I looked at my own cervix.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
