Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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