Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
