my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
