oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
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yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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