Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
