Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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