OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
