I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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