I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
