I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
