it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
