Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
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apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
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I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...