I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store