i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
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I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.