Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
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