the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
