shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
