i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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