I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
