I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
