i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
