She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think people are normalizing furries
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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