The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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