Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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