I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm passing your future prison.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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