I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
