You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
