I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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