You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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