did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral