im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
