I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
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There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
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Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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