Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
