i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
