I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
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thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
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Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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