i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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