I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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