I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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