I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
