That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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