I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
