last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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