someone threw a dead crab at me
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Randomize
