You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
