i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
