I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
