Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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