But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
