This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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