I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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