I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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