im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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