I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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