i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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