so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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