They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
